March | 2004 | saphoto's Xanga Site

The Journey…
There are two paths. One path is open wide, smooth and an easy road to take. The second path is narrow/slender where the road is rough with a sense of uncertainty. However, only one of these paths leads to eternal life. Only one path will give you the true meaning of life. Only one path will give you a sense of purpose of why we are living. This path is not easy, this path is hard which often comes with suffering and perserverence which bring forth glory in the end. Just as little Much-afraid, I fall into her shoes. The path that is smooth and wide is o so very tempting but the Lord tells my heart and leads me in to the path of righteousness for His name sake, the path that is narrow and uncertain at times. And so the journey has thus continued in.

I sighted this prayer to the Lord in my journal before I came to the retreat. I had been struggling for so long this past quarter at Davis while being away from the Remedy atmosphere and it has made me weary and the struggle became too much for me to carry and bare in my life….

Hevenly Father,
I need you now Lord. I’ve become numb to my walk and I need restoration. Please I pray and plea with my heart to restore all that is within me. I feel like satan has been stealing the wisdom granted unto me by you O Lord. I can see you, I know you are there. I can feel you, I will not fear, I will trust in you and i will not be afraid. When the battle is close at hand, you are with me, help me stand, I will trust in you and I wil not be afraid, I will not be afraid. I will trust in you. When the darkness is close at hand, when Im running against the wind, I will trust in you and I will not be afraid. Lord I need you, because I am tired of running from myself sometimes. Help me to run, run for you. I am struggling Father and satan has be by a leash. Fill me up Lord with your holy spirit so that I may become fruitful and pleasing in your eyes. I want to know and remember the hunger I had for you. Help me to hunger O Lord and to feed at your table and not part take at the worlds table. God created in me a clean heart O Lord and renew that spirit within me. Help me to become more like Enoch as he hungered for you but above all, be more like you, JESUS.

Help me to be a prime example to all and not compromise my faith to the worlds ideology. Help me to invision something fresh, something new for your kingdom, whether its ministry or whatevers, Help me to stay obideient and do not let this book depart from my very mouth so that every word I speak would be pure and holy and just. Change my thought patterns so I can see through your eyes and be more understanding of people. I suck at many things you call me to Lord which is why I need you more and more. My soul is starving and I have choosen that road and have allowed it to happen. Please forgive me and renew me. For a life not living for you Lord is no life at all. Help me to discern the paths I need to take that always lead back to you.

This is my prayer O Lord, for how can I reach to others, how can I talk to others about you, how can I be a leader you have called me to, if my heart is not right we Thee. Help me and guide me and keep me. I am a jacked up dude and I need to be humbled. God I almost want to ask you to break me but I do not want to for I know you will do so. But I do ask that you break me from satans chains that have bounded me to the very ground I stand on. Help me to be more joyful in the midst of my suffering. Hear my voice O Lord, o because it is to you I see. You are the only one who brings me truth, you are the only one that makes me new. Hear my voice, i raise to you my honor and praise, I lay it down all at you feet with lifted hands it is ultimately you I see. Unto you I lift my voice, unto you I life my hands, Unto you I give my heart. Help me to kill myself to so that I may die and be renewed each day. Help me to nail my sins to that cross and to die to myself each day. To experience true life, we first must die. Recieve Me!

I wanted to feel his presence and feel his touch so bad it made me so hungry that I couldn’t do anything else but to cry out to God…”Lord I need you, I need you touch, restore all that is within me.” Please Lord help me, I am depended and desperate for you. Through my small group this weekend I just poured out my thoughts and how I was feeling and I wanted to be transparent and real. There were things I struggle with that people don’t really know about and it was hard for me to share because I didn’t want people to see that part of me and see my struggles. The Lord revealed himself to me so powerfully and so gently that I couldnt help but to fall on my face and cry to Him. I was so broken to the point because for the longest time I have been running away from the person God wants me to be. I took a detour in my path and skewered off road where there was no sense of direction to the point where I was lost. I was afraid. I was and am afraid of the man that God wants me to be. I see myself in the mirror and I see two men. One is another side of my and the other side is the man God wants me and intends me to be. Following Jesus is so hard. For the past quarter I have struggled with why I feel so empty, so lost, so weary, so weak, so distant and this weekend, God revealed to me and what I have been running from. There is just way to much that is going on throughout my head as I write that I cannot even understand it myself, but I know it, and I can’t entirely explain. There is something about our God that surpasses all understanding. God knew me and knows me better than myself. For the longestest time and even now as I write…when people ask me how I am doing? I dont even know how to answer that question. I dont even know if this makes sense at all to you right now as you read this, or even if you gotten this far in my letter. When Nick was sharing saturday night I felt like I was in the same boat as him about brokeness and about how am I doing and answering that question. When am at intervarsity some people have viewed me as someone spiritual because I am on the prayer ministry team and I was like if you only knew the real me, if you only knew what is going on. This facade made my think, what on earth…how can I be real or transparent. So then I became this so called like o he is a prayer warrior, he must be all Godly, and Im like dude, no way. I am a reck, I am a bum, I don’t have it right in my life. It mad me angry at one point inside me, because it was not me. I had been running away for so long it caused me to lose it. I came to the end of myself this weekend. And as Amanda said, it is the end of ourselves and the beginning of God. Lord, life is so hard, I can’t make it Father, Lord, come and recieve me, take me. As I write right now I am still in this struggle, I have been just wrestling with myself and with God. He is doing something in me right now and I dont understand it either. All I have came to was that it is the end of myself. I don’t know if how many have experienced God’s presence and touch, I tell you it is unimaginable. After communion Sunday the very day we were about to leave, I couldnt move after communion. I felt compelled to stay and as people left I broke down as Tomas continued to play the guitar and worship. As I was sitting there I was like Lord I am not gonna leave until I feel you alive within me…I need your touch. I wanted to feel His touch so bad I did not want to leave. I was like I am gonna sit here all day or until we have to leave until I know you come and revive me. As Tomas was playing the Holy Spirit came upon me and began to weep, so broken inside and in my need and time of dispare He came and lifted me up and said, I am here! Man, I cant tell you, o man, o man I cant even express it in words of God telling me that. “I am here!” O Lord, I am here too recieve me. I not the same Ill tell you that. goosh, I cant explain in this email, just too hard for me, I want to tell you all in person. I want everyone to experience this, I want you to know what it means to live and what it means to have Jesus living in You. God took me from a low to that higher place, I am not there yet but it blows me away that he could come to my level but at the sametime He is so Holy when He meet me and reachs His hand out to touch me. The story doesn’t end here friends.

When I came back from the retreat, my car was in hurt as well, hahhaa (joker). If you know me, I am a car guy and it is something I have been struggling with myself, materialism. I hate talking about this cause it is so in my blood (if you want to know what I mean I would like to talk with you and share, its too much to explain in an email) God knew my heart, he knew how this could have an affect on me and my walk. He knew and I knew he knew. God has opened me to be open and real about this for of idolitry in my life and it goes for all of us. What is you idol in you life? Does something always get in the way with you and God? Anyways, when I came back from the retreat back to the Broadhurst house I had parked my car at Calvin High School because of the overflow in cars and as I approached it it was destroyed inside and outside and normally my heart was just drop but when I saw it and looked and saw what had happened, i was at complete peace about it. If you know me, youd be like what on earth, you’re not mad or just angry. Nope, I was at complete peace and this car was my baby. It has a hobby for me and I like spending tme on it and the Lord wanted to make it real to me about my priorities in life. He needs to be at the top of the list. satan uses all these earthly possensions to sometimes fall away or make us fall. I know satan was mad after seeing my reaction. I was at such peace I was even able to witness and share some stuff that happened to a Police Officer at the high school parking lot. In my heart I knew he was thinking about what happened and my reaction. This is not to exhault me or for my own gratification. I was 100% at peace, Lord it I tell you it was a feeling I never thought Id experience. Through this situation I was able to live out a testimony to that officer and whoever could of been around me. Here is anther awesome part. I tell you, God had my back. There was a couple with their child riding their bike that night while I was in that parking lot with the Officer and had been the witnesses of what had happened to my car and they gave me a license plate number, descirption of the vehichal and the suspects and I tell you, that is divine. The odd of that ever happening are slim and the odds of them running into me at that time in the parking lot are undenyable that it was God. No way that is random. It was divine, I praise Him for this moment. I praise Him for the people who broke into my car, recked my crap up. God was not done with breaking me, he used this and I tell you I will never forget ever of what happened in a weekend and the moment in that parking lot. You are all my family, I love you all for you support and caring.

Jenny, thank you so much for taking those pictures of me, you are a true servant and I pray that God blesses you, you are awesome for taking pics of the damage.

Amanda & Ashley, thank so much for you hearts and being there with me through the whole time. I love you both dearly. Thanks for also listening and I will not forget the time we hung out at the retreat to just talk.

Jessica thanks for you concern it was a privaledge to get to know you this past weekend. I hope to see you more often at Remedy and other events and things to come. I know I meet you before but it is truly awesome to experience God with you and so many others this weekend.

Emily, thanks for asking me about how I am doing, because its not often that people ask me that. Thanks for taking that step of faith and your loving heart to want to know people more than just ona surface level. Bless your heart.

Derek, I just love you man…thanks for allowing me to barrow you Big Red baby dude. I just love you man. This dude is not only a POD, Sevendust, Kutless & Project lover (the list can go on) but he is a Sold out for Christ. I am blessed to have you as my buddy in life. Thanks

Nancy & Randal…you are truly servants of God, humbled by how much you’ve learned and thanks for being like second parents to me and for being an awesome example to me and to all. May God continue to prosper in your lives and you family for you faithfulness. You living examples of walking by faith.

Marybeth, may the peace of God be upon you. I do not know what exactly happend on the road Sunday but I pray for joy in your life in times of suffering.

Jonathan, thanks for the encouragement card dude. I see your heart through each word you wrote man. You are an awesome man of God, you have a awesome voice too and thanks for letting me play you guitar too dude.

Tomas, dude…I dont spend enought time with you bro. This is a guy you really want to get to know, and I am sure many of you know him, but if you haven’t yet, you totally should. Tomas, thanks for being there with me to worship God. Wasn’t his presence so awesome. I know you experienced Him too man. I miss you bro. God is going to provide for you bro, whoever marries you bro is going to be one lucky gal. Girls eat you heart out, hahaha. Bless you Tomas!

There are so many people that affect my life in this family of Christ. I wish I could write something to all of you. Every single one of you have been my true community even as I am away at Davis with IV you are still my 1st family and that will never change. God has called me at IV and He is going to bring change on this campus. Id seriously be jacked up with out all of you. Boy was God not kinding about how we need community. Remedy, I look foward to another time, but until we meet again, may the G O D bless!

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Month: March 2004

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