Animosity
Now I normally don’t create titles for my xanga
entries and neither are my xanga entries really all that serious or in
depth. Normally if its important stuff on my mind I would much
rahter talk with you or people about it in person than write about
it. My title sounds a bit concerning for some of you and for
somone of you you might not really care and I’ll get to that
part. First off, it was time to say “Until next time” to Mr. Nathan Cole
whom I will definately miss as he embarks in a direction the Lord has
taken him in, Laos. It was great to see him one last time before
he had to leave and a number of us got to enjoy some Thai food at
Sophia’s Thai Kitchen on E st. with Nathan and his sister.
However, I follow Junshiens statement that this time it didn’t feel
like goodbye where you are sad to see them go; I mean we will miss him
dearly but we know God is taking him to another place for the purpose
of His kingdom and it brings peace to my soul that this is not our last
time we’ll see him, so until eternity…blessings upon you my brother as you
follow God’s will.
Back to my title: “Animosity”
this is the only word
that I could think of that described me for the most part in the last
eh….couple months or so. I confess that I have truly been sick
of Christian this Christian that, I was tired of people, school, work,
everything, and a lot of the world issue I read about everyday, from
car bombings to hurricane katrina to more bombings it created more
anger, bitterness, and a hardening of my heart. I was so sick and
tired of moving, working 40+ hour weeks all summer long while doing
summer school. I found myself often snapping at people which I
normally don’t do, I almost want to say I felt like I was a different
person for some time. I didn’t really care about much, I didn’t
want to be at OCAMP, I didn’t want to start another year with IV and
school. This is how I felt prior to Ocamp by the way and also on
Monday. My heart was pretty hard for the most part I would
say. I hadn’t prayed or talk to God all summer nor really read my
word. Animosity, Bitterness and Fear filled the air I
breathe. I was fearful of is this the person I have become but
deep down each day I new someone was calling me but my hardend heart
ignored it. Day 1 of ocamp, it sucked, i hated it there that day,
If i told you I was good or doing fine, I LIED to you, so sorry.
Day 2 God started to break things down a bit more, after today all of
the above is no more. It was something simple by just asking for
God to hear me even though I didn’t want to listen to Him and the
simplicity of being in community (which I desperately lacked this
summer I know). As a imcoming small group leader I felt like
before I went to ocamp that I shouldnt be leading because of the state
of my condition because the last thing I want it to stray people
away. Deep down, I knew the Lord had a plan because before all
this I knew He wanted me to lead small group this year so I stuck with
it and the Lord redeemed me of my hardened heart. Community was
the key, its provided healing that I needed. This is the first
time in
my spiritual walk that I have felt the most dry, alone and totally
filled with animosity each day I awoken. Community, don’t walk
without it, you wont make it. No man is his own island, I
definately learn that this summer and I thank the Lord for His Grace
and mercy that never runs dry. Man will fail, hearts will fail
but the Lord is everlasting.