September 22, 2005

• Animosity
      Now I normally don’t create titles for my xanga
  entries and neither are my xanga entries really all that serious or in
  depth.  Normally if its important stuff on my mind I would much
  rahter talk with you or people about it in person than write about
  it.  My title sounds a bit concerning for some of you and for
  somone of you you might not really care and I’ll get to that
  part.  First off, it was time to say “Until next time” to Mr. Nathan Cole
  whom I will definately miss as he embarks in a direction the Lord has
  taken him in, Laos.  It was great to see him one last time before
  he had to leave and a number of us got to enjoy some Thai food at
  Sophia’s Thai Kitchen on E st. with Nathan and his sister. 
  However, I follow Junshiens statement that this time it didn’t feel
  like goodbye where you are sad to see them go; I mean we will miss him
  dearly but we know God is taking him to another place for the purpose
  of His kingdom and it brings peace to my soul that this is not our last
  time we’ll see him, so until eternity…blessings upon you my brother as you
  follow God’s will. 
      Back to my title: “Animosity”
  this is the only word
  that I could think of that described me for the most part in the last
  eh….couple months or so.  I confess that I have truly been sick
  of Christian this Christian that, I was tired of people, school, work,
  everything, and a lot of the world issue I read about everyday, from
  car bombings to hurricane katrina to more bombings it created more
  anger, bitterness, and a hardening of my heart.  I was so sick and
  tired of moving, working 40+ hour weeks all summer long while doing
  summer school.  I found myself often snapping at people which I
  normally don’t do, I almost want to say I felt like I was a different
  person for some time.  I didn’t really care about much, I didn’t
  want to be at OCAMP, I didn’t want to start another year with IV and
  school.  This is how I felt prior to Ocamp by the way and also on
  Monday.  My heart was pretty hard for the most part I would
  say.  I hadn’t prayed or talk to God all summer nor really read my
  word.  Animosity, Bitterness and Fear filled the air I
  breathe.  I was fearful of is this the person I have become but
  deep down each day I new someone was calling me but my hardend heart
  ignored it.  Day 1 of ocamp, it sucked, i hated it there that day,
  If i told you I was good or doing fine, I LIED to you, so sorry. 
  Day 2 God started to break things down a bit more, after today all of
  the above is no more.  It was something simple by just asking for
  God to hear me even though I didn’t want to listen to Him and the
  simplicity of being in community (which I desperately lacked this
  summer I know).  As a imcoming small group leader I felt like
  before I went to ocamp that I shouldnt be leading because of the state
  of my condition because the last thing I want it to stray people
  away.  Deep down, I knew the Lord had a plan because before all
  this I knew He wanted me to lead small group this year so I stuck with
  it and the Lord redeemed me of my hardened heart.  Community was
  the key, its provided healing that I needed.  This is the first
  time in
  my spiritual walk that I have felt the most dry, alone and totally
  filled with animosity each day I awoken.  Community, don’t walk
  without it, you wont make it.  No man is his own island, I
  definately learn that this summer and I thank the Lord for His Grace
  and mercy that never runs dry.  Man will fail, hearts will fail
  but the Lord is everlasting.

  • 4:48 am
  • 11 Comments