July 19, 2004

• I am finishing my 3rd year of college and I am just now figuring out what I want to do or what I wanted to do from the very start.  My college life has been a interesting experience major wise.  My freshman year of college at UCSC I was a computer science engineer.  My second year of college I spent investing sometime in Civil Engineering.  Now as a X-engineer (not that I was ever one anyways) At the end of my second year I wanted to do Nutrition.  The false image that crosses my mind is that since I am asain I should be a engineer or science student just because it was something expected of me from society.  Everyone around me is science and so are some of my family memebers.  If they can do it so can I.  I followed the motto that “If you put you mind to it you can do anything.”  To some degree it is true but is not always.  For the last 3 years I have pressed on foward as far I could take myself thorugh engineering and science courses.  In it all, I lacked one important thing, my heart.  My heart was not in any of it.  I kepted going on because of the pressures of family and friends.  My parents wanted me to become an pharmcist because it would be a high prestiegeous job, payed well and provided stability but in all that I didn’t want to be that.  I can’t be in it without my heart.  Plus I didn’t want to wear a white robe and sort pills for the rest of my life.  Its funny I had a talk with Bruce and Junshien and its funny how we were talking about how sometimes are parents only see the end products.  They can fail to see the journey it takes to get there.

  
  

  From engineering I went to science because at least that was still something that was highly looked up to like engineering.  I proceeded for the next 2 years and everyday is so unfulfilling.  I don’t enjoy my classes, not even a couple in the science area.  Trust me, I do not rag on science or engineers.  I think its awesome, I just wish I had the brains for it.  Sometimes I just feel like I was not cut out for engineering or science.  I believe God made me to be a different cookie cutter. 

  
  

  I have been so blind too.  There have been so many signs in my life that have told me I wouldn’t become those things.  My uncle told me I am not cut out to be an engineer, he was right.  Some people were surprise for some reason to think that I was a science major too, kinda funny how they some base ur personality on certain things.  I even had people tell me that I would be a good business man.  Hmmmm, oddd really….?  No way, I need to be an engineer/science major.  I choose to ignore what they said despite the fact that my parents are business people and have been around businesss and managing for a good portion of my life.  I never seemed to get it either when I took all those science courses and either barely passed them or failed them.  I just told myself again and again, “if you put you mind to it you can do anything.”  For years I gave into that. I have become so weary of this that I felt like I just hit a brick wall.  Why am I doing this to myself I asked?  I mean I have put so much sweat, time and myself into all this and recieve such little to nothing.  I mean at least some people actually like some classes they take in their major.  Me on the otherhand did not.  I think I liked only a couple classes in it and my phsyics classes but thats not really science so that doesn’t count in my book.  I mean you’d think youd work hard and you’d get a ok grade like a B ever so often or an A….but no, just the average.  C or below, I am embarassed to even tell of my grades or even tell others of how far I am in the major.  I feel so stupid.  Everytime I went to my classes I felt like everyone was always smarter than me and it always seem that way when the test results came back.  I always felt like the dumbest person in the whole room. 

  
  

  A huge turning point in my life right now.  If it wasn’t for Junshien I don’t know if I would of ever awaken from what I had been doing.  I really feel as if God used his example of what he has gone through to speak to me and completely open my eyes.  Its strange, I feel like I have taken a breath of fresh air.  Now I’ll have you know, I have not changed majors due to cop out, or people influencing me.  I have been on the verge of chaging my major to Managerial Economics/Business.  People have told me don’t let ur academica performance dictate what you want to do or major in.  I honestly and truly feel as if Science and Engineering is not the path for me.  Good Lord his is hard to swallow, eating my pride and giving it to Jesus in prayer. 

  
  

  As I sit here and type whatever comes to mind, I still can’t help to think of why couldn’t I figure this out earlier or why couldn’t I just know what to do.  I swallow each day the thought of wasting my parents money in which they work so hard for to help me get through college because they never had the opportunity like I do.  I have thought from time to time of what a waste this has all been but I know it has not been a waste.  It has had much purpose but we must go with what God desires us to do and be.  I want to glorify him in what I do.  It is certainly hard to do so if your heart is not in it.  I am still in the process and I have thought a lot about Managerial Economics w/ perhaps a minor in Nutrition now.  Man……..this is hard….sighhhhhhhh. 

  
  

  Junshien, I admire your courage for you decision.  For the first time bro I don’t feel like I am alone anymore . 

  
  

  Thank God for His word, it has helped me stay SANE after all these years, hahahahhaa.

  
  

  MOrE to come Possibly….

  • 12:57 am
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